I've met the man of my dreams. He's kind and sensitive and we laugh a lot. But when it comes to sex he's like a randy bull on viagra. I've tried to get him to slow down but he doesn't seem to be able to. How can i get him to slow down in the bedroom?
Thanks,
Sharon, Gundawindi Australia
Chere Sharon,
Fast love can be beautiful and savage. I once made love with an African American Olympic Butterfly Champion. On the waterbed. It was truly amazing. But all over in 19.6 seconds. As most women take a little longer to get dew in their grotto (unless it is Johnny Depp, or Prince Phillip) you will need to teach your lover some French chic tricks. Cook him a heavy dinner - like wild boar with goose fat, a bottle of burgundy followed by some cheese and finally some creme caramel. Then dress up in a kimono. A winter kimono with extra layers. It should take him atleast 2 hours to figure out how to undo this.
A less complicated method is when he is about to reach the top of his mountain, taser him, so he has to climb up again. Do this 2 or 3 times and this will slow him down considerably.
I am a strong woman whose hobbies are welding and wood-chopping. Do you know why I cannot a find a man? I am attractive and feminine. Is my independent nature a turn-off do you think?
Alix S Ruff, Ohio
Chere Alix,
What is that English saying? A womans should be a whore in the bedroom, a chef in the kitchen and why not a woodcutter in the garden?
But lets us face it, a woman wielding an axe or a welding torch will be a little confronting for the mens. It will not make his Eiffel to tower. Alors, to soften this look I suggest to wear only 3 things: a pretty floral top, high heels and a welding mask. Oh, and sunscreen on your bottoms cheeks.
I have stretch marks on my stomach after giving birth and when I take my clothes off it makes me feel ugly. I feel I cannot have an affair either. What can I do to make me less self-conscious?
Clara,
Manchester
Chere Clara,
It is too late for a caesarian. Oh well. The most important thing is you must not let the mans see these horrible marks or he will be disgusting with you. Wear a corset like in an American Western and tie it so tight that you can barely breath. This has two benefits. It hides your disgusting marks and your difficulty breathing will make him think you are excited by him.
The bon news is that when you are old and wrinkly, your whole body will look like a stretch mark.
My boyfriend is being stalked by an older woman. He told me they slept together once but I’ve since found out they were seeing each other for 2 years. He’s only 24 and she’s 42. She keeps calling and texting. What can I do?
Megan, Ireland
I can understand you feeling insecure. Older womens are so sexy, attractive, experienced, worldly, exciting, creative, rich and don’t give a merde about stepping on the toes of little girls like you. You really are boxing above the weight. Here's what I recommend you to do.
Find the rich older mens and take him to the bed. This will drive your boyfriend to uncontrollable jalousie and he will forget about his cougar and devour you instead. Alternatively, does his cougar has a son? You could take him to the bed after he gets home from the school. You may still loose your boyfriend but it will make you feel better.
Chere Fanny, I've been invited to an important dinner at my husband’s bosses house. I really want to impress him as my husband is up for a promotion. What should I wear? I’m a plus size lady with a full bust and heavy bottom and legs. Thanks, Astrid, Ottawa.
Chere Astrid, You simply cannot jeopardise your husband’s career with the stumpy legs and the bottom of the rhinoceros. Simply pas possible. Surely you must have an attractive friend he can take? But tell him he just cannot take her to the bed. As for you – go on a diet and read my book ‘Cigarettes and size 8’ and maybe you can go next year. Fanny
“Chere Fanny, I have a huge birthmark covering the left half of my face. It’s really embarrassing. What can I do?”
— Cheryl, NY
Of course it is disgusting. But, Cheryl cherie, this could become a cutting edge fashions. My friend Jean-Paul (Gaultier) and I did a birthmark fashion collection in Paris 1999 and we drew them all overs the bodies of the models. Amazing. So, voila. But, if you are shy of your birthmark you could become a muslim womans and wear a burkah. See my Fanny range for the muslim womans.
Or have a face transplant. But make sure it is from someone beautiful who has died (preferably not from a car crash). I know someone. PM me.
The only other option is to stick a $50 note on your shoes so peoples will not look at your face. Et Voila.
“Chere Fanny, I have a new boyfriend who hates hair down there. I do not like pain and am scared about getting a Brazilian. But I don’t want him to leave me. What should I do? ”
— Alice, Sydney
Alice, the public hair is the body’s mystery forest. Our naturale peek-a-boo. If all of our bottoms is left with nothing, where is the fun in finding it?
But at the same time you don’t want a jungle down there. You don’t want your boyfriend playing Tarzan swinging through your vines, getting tangled in your undergrowth. So you must prune your public hair so he has a path to your rare orchid. Voila. I am amazing.